Handy Hints

Handy Hints

1. HOUSEHOLD TIP E.GG.N…Og FLATMATES. Take a picture of yourself naked and looking shocked and pin it on your bathroom door. That way if anyone bursts in on you they won't get an unpleasant surprise – and there’ll be no mutual embarrassment.

   (Posted on 2008-07-16 16:09:00 by )

2. HOUSEHOLD TIP 54r DJs Having trouble getting nervous guests up and dancing? Are they just sitting there, staring mindlessly into the middle distance? Try petulantly demanding "What the fuck’s wrong with you, you cousin-buggerin’ in-breeds?", and calling them all "boring shitehawks". That really should do the trick!

   (Posted on 2008-07-16 16:08:00 by )

3. HOUSEHOLD Tip XXXXXi - TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in nineteenth century history. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'arse’ole’ and 'wanker' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience both for you and those within hearing.

   (Posted on 2008-07-16 16:08:00 by )

4. HOUSEHOLD TIP 2/SOU/THER/NCOCK/NEYtw/ATS:

   GIVE YOURSELF THAT CHEEKY, CHEERFUL, ‘BORN WITHIN THE SOUND OF BOW BELLS’ LOOK by dabbing white correction fluid over your hat, jacket and trousers to give yourself that Pearly King look - add to the image by shouting phrases at passers-by such as “Got the time on you, cock?” “I’m popping up the apples and tangerines to have a Thomas the Tank Engine.” And “Govinda jiya jiya.” .

   (Posted on 2008-05-19 10:50:00 by )

5. HOUSEHOLD TIP er.d333.bag:

   plastic SHOPPING BAGS make an excellent receptacle to store all the plastic shopping bags you are left with after those exhaustive yet fulfilling trips to that friendliest and amenable of costers - CBA

   (Posted on 2008-05-19 10:49:00 by )

6. HOUSEHOLD TIP 333.3:

   SAFETY CONSCIOUS PARENTS. Half a cocktail stick with a blob of (preferably a vibrant red) nail varnish on the end makes an ideal ‘safety match’ that your children can play with without the risk of setting fire to common-or-garden household objects, or slow-moving senile relatives.

   (Posted on 2008-05-19 10:49:00 by )

7. For that 'toasty' eye feeling on those chilly winter days - add a couple of drops of chilli sauce to your lens soaking solution.

   (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:42:00 by Contact lens wearers !)

8. ...by sellotaping a live wasp to a bamboo cane and wielding it in the checkout lady's face - this will make the assistant even more disagreeable and twatish than usual (if, indeed, that is possible).

   (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:41:00 by MAKE YOUR TRIP TO CBA EVEN MORE SOUL DESTROYING !)

9. ... by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly, whilst not allowing them to have sight of you.

   (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:40:00 by FEEL LIKE GOD FOR THE DAY !)

10. Save bags of money by putting much larger wheels on the rear axle of your car. Thereafter, with the exception of extreme inclines, you will always be going downhill, thus saving substantially on fuel bills!

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:40:00 by Drivers !)

11. Always keep a few 'Get Well Soon' cards on the mantlepiece. Should you suffer the inconvenience of unexpected visitors, you can explain your home's disheveled appearance by pointing at the cards and saying "Ooh, I've not been to good recently..."

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:39:00 by Slovenly Householders !)

12. Contemplate putting the vessel's water pipes on the outside of the superstructure ..Next time they burst - no harm done!

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:38:00 by Submarine Designers !)

13. Try to purchase your bananas in bunches of five - on Sundays. Subsequently, examine them and arrange them in order of ripeness, writing a day of the week on each banana in broad-nibbed, felt-tip pen - Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest. Imagine the time this will save you when attempting to decide which banana to eat on a typical, hectic, weekday morning!

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:37:00 by Banana lovers !)

14. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto - whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! (This can also apply to hot drinks, after a period of intense training.)

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:37:00 by Dog owners !)

15. Inexpensively recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. You can add additional realism to the exercise by positioning an electric fan in front of your face (best to use the 'high' setting).

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:36:00 by Parachute jump for the poor)

16. #1. no need to invest in a new, expensive parquet floor! Just purchase two individual, wooden blocks for each person in the house (also contemplate the needs of regular visitors), staple an elastic strap to each (a la sandal-style) - slip your feet in and ENJOY the luxury of striding around your abode enjoying the opulence of quality wood (possibly Mahogany?) beneath every step!

    #2. convince neighbours that you own an old fashioned typewriter by wearing metal thimbles and drumming your fingers on a plastic tray. Every ten seconds ‘ting’ a wine glass with a pencil and run a butter knife along the teeth of a comb before continuing drumming your fingers.

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:34:00 by Homeowners !)

17. Next time you are making love with a beautiful lady, try crossing your eyes and... Hey Presto! You've got that saucy threesome with identical twins that you've always dreamed of.

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:29:00 by Gentlemen !)

18. It's a little known fact, but shortening the electrical cables on all appliances throughout the house results in substantial savings on your electricity bill. The electricity has further to travel - and you can also sit back knowing that you are doing your bit for the Earth's ozone layer.

    (Posted on 2008-05-12 22:28:00 by save money !)